While fiction has Judge Bavenaugh chasing fainting goats around golf courses and collapsing from Florida’s draconian no-water-break laws, reality has him defending the Supreme Court’s habit of making major decisions with minimal explanation.
In a development that seems plucked straight from the pages of “Embrace The Lies,” Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh has emerged from the shadows—much like his beloved shadow docket—to defend the high court’s increasingly common practice of making consequential decisions with little to no explanation.
The Shadow Knows (But Won’t Tell)
Speaking before the judicial conference of the U.S. Court of Appeals for the 8th Circuit, Kavanaugh pushed back against criticism of the court’s “shadow docket” decisions, which have conveniently served former President Noah Philter’s—er, Donald Trump’s—agenda of dismantling federal agencies faster than a groundskeeper chasing fainting goats at Doral.
“There can be a risk, in writing the opinion, of a lock-in effect, of making a snap judgment and putting it in writing,” Kavanaugh explained, apparently oblivious to the irony that snap judgments with permanent consequences are precisely what the shadow docket produces.
No Water Breaks for Democracy
For readers of “Embrace The Lies,” the irony is particularly rich. In the satirical novel, Judge Bavenaugh finds himself pressed into service as a groundskeeper at Doral Golf Course, chasing fainting goats across the manicured greens in the scorching Florida sun. Thanks to FL. Governor Boots’ draconian no-water-break law for outdoor workers, the good judge eventually succumbs to heat exhaustion and collapses on the green, a victim of the very policies his judicial philosophy helps enable.
Much like his fictional counterpart who couldn’t take a water break while chasing goats, the real-life Kavanaugh seems equally averse to pausing for reflection before making consequential decisions that affect millions of Americans.
Monocle-Free Vision
This defense stands in stark contrast to his liberal colleague Elena Kagan’s recent comments: “Courts are supposed to explain things,” she said, displaying the kind of common sense that has no place at the 1864 Monocle Party headquarters.
Just as Judge Bavenaugh in our satirical universe falls face-first onto the golf green, dehydrated and overheated while enforcing the absurd rules of Noah Philter’s golf tournament, the real-life justice seems equally willing to collapse the norms of judicial transparency to serve his benefactor’s agenda.
The Fainting Goat Principle
The court has recently handed the Trump administration several wins through this shadow process, including approving the dismantling of the Department of Education and allowing the firing of Democratic members of the Consumer Product Safety Commission.
Much like the fainting goats of Doral that collapse at the first sign of stress, these federal agencies and officials have found themselves toppled with little warning and even less explanation. And just as Judge Bavenaugh in our satirical universe crumples to the ground, crying “water!” with his last conscious breath, democracy itself seems to be gasping for the refreshment of transparency and explanation.
“I’m Listening, I Swear”
Despite the court’s increasingly partisan decisions made with minimal transparency, Kavanaugh insisted he pays attention to public criticism.
“I definitely pay attention to it. I think you have to. We’re public officials who serve the American people,” he claimed, in what might be the judicial equivalent of “I’ll respect you in the morning.”
This statement comes from the same justice who, in our fictional universe, couldn’t hear warnings about dehydration over the sound of goats bleating and golf carts zooming by at Doral. Some things, it seems, transcend the boundary between satire and reality.
The Groundskeeper’s Lament
“I just want all the judges in the room to know how much I appreciate what they do,” Kavanaugh added sympathetically. “It’s a lot to deal with all the things that are coming at you.”
Indeed, it must be challenging—almost as challenging as being a groundskeeper at a golf course overrun by fainting goats while trying not to pass out from dehydration because your political allies have made it illegal to take a water break. The parallels are almost too perfect.
The Monocle Party’s Supreme Victory
As the 1864 Monocle Party continues to reshape America’s judicial landscape through the shadow docket, one can’t help but wonder if Judge Bavenaugh ever reflects on his dual role as both a guardian of the Constitution and a facilitator of its erosion.
Perhaps, like his fictional counterpart who was last seen being carted off the green muttering “water!” while his monocle-wearing superiors looked on indifferently, the real-life justice is too parched for transparency to notice the damage being done to the institution he claims to revere.
For more uncanny parallels between today’s headlines and the satirical world of the 1864 Monocle Party, check out “Embrace The Lies” and “Embrace The Viruses” – where yesterday’s satire becomes tomorrow’s news.
Coming soon: How the Consumer Product Safety Commission might have saved us from the RED Treatment if only they hadn’t been fired through the shadow docket.
Editor’s Note: In “Embrace The Lies,” Judge Bavenaugh’s groundskeeper duties are part of his “membership” obligations at Doral Devolution Resort & Spa. Soon, the entire Supreme Court will be relocating to their new headquarters conveniently bordering Doral Resort, housed in the same building as TOXic Friends State Media. Because nothing says “judicial independence” quite like sharing a building with a partisan propaganda machine while maintaining a golf membership that requires manual labor. The separation of powers has never been so… adjacent.
What political fable will emerge next from the headlines? Stay tuned as we continue to explore the thin line between satire and reality in today’s political landscape.
For more satirical insights and to explore the world of the 1864 Monocle Party, check out “Embrace The Lies” and “Embrace The Viruses” – where today’s absurdities were tomorrow’s fiction.
From Eirene and the editors on the Faction Niche team.
Order your copy(s) today. AMZ
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Now, in a twist that even the most creative satirist couldn’t have imagined, we have real politicians rallying around actual ostriches, fighting to save them from culling while potentially ignoring broader public health considerations.