The Prologue
“EMBRACE THE LIES, OR NOT! Golf & Life: A Lie Is A Lie”
Noah Philter was a legend in his own time—the kind of man whose stories were told and retold in every corner of the nation. In one famed incident, he had swooped in to save a frail old woman and her treasured cat, Toto, from the ruthless swing of a developer’s wrecking ball in downtown New York City. Under the former president’s watchful eye, the demolition halted, the crowd cheered, and the media frenzy that followed cemented his status as a public hero. Yet, away from the limelight, Noah was a titan of industry, constructing an empire of luxurious hotels, sprawling casinos, and grand golf resorts.
Yet he grew restless, bored by his charmed life of wealth and luxury. This faded hero who fired employees on reality TV now dreamed of an even greater quest – Make America Great Again.
The siren’s call to run for President rang out, and the world (ok, part of it) clamored for his leadership. Philter smirked, “You do one good deed, and people forget what a degenerate you are.”
Initially reluctant due to a busy schedule of cheating at golf tournaments, Noah was encouraged by his wise daughter Curvanka – “Think of the free publicity for our new Moscow hotel!”
Though President 44 rebuilt the country from the ruins left by calamitous 43, Philter still knew he could do better. Boredom and ego motivated his run, interrupted only by court cases where the “Court Jester” relished in his second favorite sport. That being of legal battles.
Challengers during the 2016 primaries proved mere tests; each swatted away with crass
insults. The fawning press were his helpers, eating from his tiny palm. Lying came naturally – “he was worth $10 billion, the best golfer to ever walk the planet”, a smart and humble businessman perfectly suited for the presidency.
His crowning achievement was propagating the falsehood that the 44th president, born in America, was somehow an illegitimate Kenyan while concealing his unsavory familial secrets and origins.
When party elders threatened to reject his unorthodox campaign, Philter hissed back, “I’ll just self-fund and run independently!” Panicking at the prospect of his hordes of fans splintering off, the GOP caved with the super senior Senator from Kanas, aka Glitch McDonnell’s blessing: “Be our hero, Noah. Anyone’s better than 44!”
Somehow, someway, the lying lout won the presidency in 2016. No plan, no platform, no experience – just hilarity and chaos ensuing for years to come.
As president, Philter found new boredom. Reading daily briefings? No thanks. The Oval Office from Monday through Tuesday? A drag. Constant public scrutiny of his lies? How rude!
After some “chopper talk,” he retreated to his golf resorts, dragging the mobile White House with him to soak taxpayers for room, cart, and food fees. A “working vacation” in the purest sense, save for the embarrassing eighteen club championships Philter brazenly awarded himself. Most profitable venture to date!
Setting the all-time presidential vacation record, even outdoing 43’s absenteeism, Noah ran America from his golf cart until disaster struck in the form of a virus he shrugged off as “the sniffles.”
Completely unprepared and unwilling to confront a genuine emergency, the incompetent President and his V.P. babbled and downplayed it all, abandoning their responsibilities like vermin deserting a doomed vessel. Noah did what he did best – pointed fingers and made empty boasts. But in his narcissistic delusions of presidential power, the seeds were planted for his current world of legal hurt.
Many people, smart people even believe Noah’s subconscious desire to be held accountable drove his lawless behavior. If he couldn’t deal with leading, he’d make the courts his new arena, a return to his sporting roots of troublesome litigation.
Having lost re-election while leaving America ablaze, the GOP still incredibly found no better 2024 candidate than a disgraced, twice-impeached former president while embracing fascism and facing 88 felony charges.
And that’s where our story begins – Philter’s quest for redemption through tyranny. The opportunities abound: rebranding his regressive party, reviving his sham university, persecuting more immigrants, and launching a revolutionary new “healthcare” system. Chaffing at the bit for retribution to his perceived enemies, he promises to be a dictator starting on day one – what a joy.
Touted by the TOXic Friends News Media disinformation apparatus as Noah galvanizes a fresh cohort of authoritarians, aspiring to transmute his administration into outright tyranny. Behold Wallabie Richman’s, the founder and CEO of TOXic, handiwork.
At the forefront, with Philter guiding, a motley crew of unprincipled individuals have resurfaced to partake in the spoils. Some fresh faces join remnants from the deplorable 43rd regime (a few red giants among them) – all poised to ADOPT their chief’s toxic principles and reprehensible behavior.
So prepare yourself dear reader. This darkly satirical prologue is but a small taste of what’s to come in the dystopian main course to follow. But first, Philter needs to win just one more tournament.
Tee’d up and ready to go!
